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have some respect, people. the paramedics said he didn't respond to cpr, but when he used the ekg paddles he died. the official cause of death was lactose intolerance. this is no surprise. his friends always warned him that her milk shake always killed all the boys in the yard. all right, jug heads. rest in peace. that's our show. see y'all soon, but not too soon. >> these are the teachers i'm going to the gun range with. you don't look like a teacher. you look more like a cafeteria lady. >> you look like whoopi goldberg and mr. roeper had a baby. >> i got to tell you. aisha tyler wasn't an anorexic.
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>> what's your name, sir? >> rick. did you eat steven seagall? >> he looks like a puerto rican who walked into a hairstylist and said make me look italian. >> what's your name, sir? >> i loved you in duck dynasty. what are you dog the bargain hunter? boy, you know, life looks terrible in perfect. >> when you're here, who is tuning banjos for mumford and sons. >> enough with the bread already.
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from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to "the daily show" my name is jon stewart. oh, tonight's program -- tonight's program is one you'll enjoy. our guest a woman who skyrocketing to fame by (bleep) in a sink -- [ laughter ] doris kearns goodwin will be on the show tonight. [ laughter ] melissa mccarthy we're very excited. let's begin on the conservative movement. ask any rock-ribbed conservative and they say. >> we the people are allowed to decide how to live our lives trchlz a parter for individual freedom. >> it really is liberty versus tyranny. >> i don't want a bigger
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government telling us how to live our lives. >> order us around, tram. our freedoms. >> get out of our lives mr. nanny state. >> jon: please, mr. nanny state is my father. call me jon. by the way, mr. nanny state the name of my ill fated 1994 attempt at a family comedy political thriller. [ laughter ] first movie that went direct to your toilet but the principle still stands what separates conservatives from liberals is conservatives thinks government is bad and people are good. unless the people work in government then they are bad. but they can leave government, go to a lobbying firm and become good again. it's a complicated theory. but freedom loves have a plan to carve out a haven of liberty, safe from the tyrants. >> there's a move in idaho by a
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group of people that want to start the community. >> they are call it the sit adele. >> it's families that choose to live together in accordance with thomas jefferson's ideal of rightful liberty. >> jon: thomas jefferson's rightful ideal of liberty. i believe we have a clip of him explaining that. >> law is the tyrant's will and always so when it violates the rights of individual. [ laughter ] >> jon: so what would this look like? >> they would build a huge perimeter around the whole thing, several smaller perimeters, turrets and towers. they say that they may find living within the community is incatible with their existing
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idea yoj. >> jon: really less of a jeffersonian iew toap why and freedom panic room. not sure it's the option for the return to lib ber tism somebody has to show the lib ranlz progressive what's real freedom looks like. any taker? >> what i do is stand for those willing to risk their lives for man's freedom, man's liberty so they can pursue happy yns. >> jon: you sir, there in the beautiful jacket with matching hints of emotional fragility, that's glenn beck, the guy who loves freedom too much. [ laughter ] he doesn't even have a tv show anymore. he lives on the internet where laws have no meanings and cats can have cheeseburgers.
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[ laughter ] if only someone like glenn beck would build one of these freedom towns. >> i want to show you what i want to leave future generations. tonight in the american dreamland. >> jon: oh, boy, here we go. >> independent u.s.a. it's an entire city developed around patterns. [ laughter ] >> jon: i call it argyleville. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] not to rain -- [cheers and applause] beautiful town. not to rain on the future generations but aren't patterns pretty much the opposite of freedom? they are all billion regimentation. the repeatinging pattern is what makes played played and not --
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i'm sure i'm misunderstanding, glenn beck -- >> true freedom grants citizens the right to choose and you can't have someone else making the decisions. we don't want the state telling house to live our lives. i want my freedom and my choices back. >> jon: yes, freedom and choices back! take us, sir, to this new place of freedom and choices where the nanny state can no longer smother us under the giant tyranny. >> this is right here the marketplace. the marketplace is where people -- there's not going be gap here. there's no ann taylor. you want an ann taylor, go some place else. [ laughter ] >> jon: excuse me, sir. freedom town sounds great. i like the principles of freedom
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and liberty, but where will i get my casual basics. gap and ann taylor not allowed in the market driven independent. no word on ann taylor lost. you can pick up mix and match pieces for the office. the price point, which i can assure is almost -- [ laughter ] the point is. i thought y'all hated central planning. remember? the right, freedom, the left central planning and tyranny. >> get your damn hands off my fries, lady. if i want to be a fatty, and shovel french fries all day long it's my choice. >> jon: yes! and while french fries have been legal, cheap and ubiquitous, point taken. tell buts buffet. >> we have a real problem with
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food. it needs to be local. >> jon: (bleep) that! get your damn hands off the french fries laidism unless, you know what i'm sorry. i guess you are trying to do what is good for everybody. i think you know who else wanted to do what was good for everybody. >> hitler was a vegetarian. wanted to take and spread the glories of vegetarianism and saying it's good for everybody we should eat this. >> jon: i was going to say jesus but if you want to go there -- um -- anyway. so wait, what else? what else will happen in the town that you built to get away from the nanny state? >> we want to make real movies and real television with one that doesn't constantly assault the things that we all stand for, redesign our residential
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areas. take the concrete out of the street and replace that with grass. there's no real streets in front of the houses. it's a park a way to interact with neighbors, not bury ourselves in the backyard. >> jon: everyone gets a yard for community kickball games! [ laughter ] i would be a captain! holy shisa! all that is left is a plan to break down class bearers and you have a perfect marxist utopia going. >> we can first of all break the class barriers -- [ laughter ] >> jon: okay. all right. sorry. okay. so actually the communal front yard would be fun.
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fourth of july block parties everybody hanging out, hotting dogs, listening to springsteen, drinking beerth we plan on redesigning the july 4th holiday to get away from hotdogs, born in the u.s.a. and fireworks and beer. [ laughter ] >> jon: you are tough, you are tough dude. you just take away my hot dogs. [cheers and applause] you can take way my hot dogs. you can take away my fireworks and my beer but you will never take my springsteen. [cheers and applause] look, we all know glenn beck is never going to build beck opolis or beck topia or bekaa do you
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know or. >> becky, becky -- >> jon: but his vision for this town tells you a lot about the freedom fetishes who swear at every turn that the opponents who want to govern democratically are tyrannical assault assaults in our freedom. they don't really believe in freedom to, they believe in freedom from liberals, people they disagree with, from the sensibly priced clothing of ann taye already. [ laughter ] these folks cloak themselves until patriotism pretending they can reveal the true intend of our constitution they are just another (bleep) neighborhood association whose nostalgic utopia will fall part the minute somebody decides to paint their house mauve. if you need me, i'll be in the
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backyard, eating hot dogs drinking beer and blasting this. ♪ no, it's a mix tape, can you -x,yy5
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. we've seen the gay rights movement enter areas of national
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life. the subject of tonight's gaywatch unprecedented penetration. our first story concerns a beloved american institution. >> a sudden aboutface from the boy scouts of america. we're getting word that the group may drop the ban on gay scouts and scout leaders. >> jon: wow. long overdue move toll finally allow gay men into they are neckerchief based organization. what is the next concession of the times getting rid of the drunken driving merit badge. cop on, iron that thing square. >> we want to be respectful of everyone. >> jon: let me stop you. no you don't. 99% of the time people say they want to be respectful the next word is but. >> but we also want respect forful. those who want to be held to a biblical form of moreality.
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>> jon: that sounds worse than gay i don't want to be weird but the wife and i have a biblical form of morality. you can't tell somebody you are a (bleep) pervert going to hell but i don't want to you get mad when i say that. no disrespect. the boy scouts are not the only club noticing it's changing. >> for me, personalling i see it as a human ryes issue. it's not gay rights it's human rights. >> jon: muhammad ali, team tebow, prolife comesh shavment michael jordan endorsed hitler. [ laughter ] some things -- only jordan could get away with that so gay rights coming to football.
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it's like the one man hot tub. we've never had a openly day player. >> we're never had a male proathlete in the major sports come out. it's been thought it's too difficult for someone to do that in a looker room setting. >> jon: i have been to some locker room settings in new york city. it's incredibly easily, maybe not to say it but certainly to show it. [ laughter ] but to me the surest sign that gay rights is here to stay is this. >> a former 49er and oakland raiders player appeared in court for a pretrial conference on domestic violence charges. 30-year-old kwame harr jis accused of assaulting his former boyfriend. >> jon: a professional football player charged with domestic violence against another dude.
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back i my guest tonight stars in cbs' mike and molly. her new film is identity theft. >> tomato for me. >> i'll take a full slab of the
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baby back and mashed taters. >> i asked to you eat less food. >> she's a beautiful woman. you let her eat. >> no, he's right. i've put on a little bit of weight because of all the stress. he was a firearm. he injured his male parts. they were shredded down there. now he can't work. he has to -- wants to fight fires and pee standing up but i know he can't. >> jon: please welcome melissa mccarthy. hello! dhawz. -- [cheers and applause] mels. [cheers and melissa mccarthy. [cheers and applause] geez! >> wow! >> jon: soak it in. >> amazing. >> jon: congratulationses on everything. >> thanks, crazy. >> jon: a lot of times you get
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people on and they've done very well for themselves in the business and you don't care for them. >> and then there's me. >> jon: nobody that i know doesn't think you are incredibly hilarious and incredibly talent and isn't incredibly pleased for your success. >> aw. >> jon: it's very nice to see good people who are really talented do well. >> likewise. right back at you. >> jon: i was watching the trailer for the film. it was one of few trailers that you actually felt the audience enjoy -- it was the trailer that when it ends there's the murmur in the theater. do you still get nervous putting these things out there? >> yes, because i feel like for this one i'm so excited because i'm really to blame. i'm more to blame but i'll blame bateman. >> jon: in any situation i
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think he is to blame. >> even things that nothing to do with him, bateman. speeding infraction, he deserves it. don't feel bad for him. >> jon: i'm going to jump in and say kennedy assassination. you never know. >> he has weird sketches and i won't go there. >> jon: how did this happen you blew up in illinois -- grew up in illinois. >> small town of plainfield. >> jon: what gave you the courage toll decide, you know -- courage to decide, you know what? moved to new york first. >> went to southern illinois, boulder, colorado because maybe school wasn't going great or maybe -- [ laughter ] >> jon: it's all a blur. >> my mosms kind of like why don't you just go. i think they were hoping i was going to leave and say okay i'm ready for college instead of --
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[ laughter ] they still have beer in colorado. >> jon: the altitude. >> drunk quicker. i was saving money. i had a friend come up to new york, what are you doing here? like, i don't know. i went to new york and two days later i starting standup probably because i didn't have any -- luckily i was so dumb at that age it served me well. if i was like wait, i don't write. i don't know what i'm doing. i haven't thought this through or at all. anything of those things should have said to a normal person saying don't do this. we were in a grocery store. i had never been to new york. someone said you should do / stand up/ stand-up i'm like probably. now i'd say oh, god, why would i
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say yes to that? what would make me say yes. >> jon: did i feel right? >> i still had nothing. i was like i guess i'll do this. >> jon: so wonderful. our stories mirror each other except for the audience reaction. the audience i was with let me know i had no sense. i remember my first night on stage in the village in new york 1:00 in the morning. his five minutes of material beautifully scripted i got through ten seconds and the guy was like you suck! >> i got a love -- i was in a gold pave leather cape and had a huge wig on, high red. i had a skirt on that i had no business wearing. if it takes two of you to get it on maybe you shouldn't. i thought i look a some. i was on the stage and telling
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big long crazy stories and and the lights flashing. they starting flashing when i got a little laugh. and i felt like you are amazing. i was like i have this. so every time. and guys -- i know he's back there swearing at me. and every time i saw the light i was like -- [ laughter ] so i did like -- god knows what i was talking about. people were laughing because they felt bad for me. and i got off and they asked me to come back and screamed at me. i think you are an idiot. i thought you were encouraging me. >> jon: that may be my first comedy night story. man would i have preferred that happening to me. i was riding in riding in the bd it was three seconds and it was
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like that guy got trampled look tax i'm so glad you came by. the movie looks hilarious. come see us again. >> i will. >> jon: it's in

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The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
Comedy Central January 29, 2013 11:00pm-11:30pm PST

Melissa McCarthy News/Business. Melissa McCarthy. (2013) Actress Melissa McCarthy ('Identity Theft'). New. (CC)

TOPIC FREQUENCY New York 6, Glenn Beck 4, Ann Taylor 4, Melissa Mccarthy 3, Bateman 2, Jon Stewart 2, Thomas Jefferson 2, Colorado 2, Me 2, Us 2, Illinois 2, Mr. Nanny 1, Dhawz 1, Molly 1, Doris Kearns Goodwin 1, Mumford 1, Steven Seagall 1, God 1, Tram 1, Shisa 1
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